Thursday, March 15, 2012

Day 15: Bye Girls!

14 pounds in 15 days.  Crazy and obviously a lot of fluid, but still delightful to jump on the scale 2 days since I last weighed and be 3 pounds lighter.  Kind of astonishing really.  I don't particularly miss anything but it is difficult to hear people talking about great food, I do tend to be a major foodie and miss blending flavors.

One side the tragic loss of my old friends.  Yes, the girls are shrinking.  Dammit!  I liked them like they were.  I'd stomp my foot and pout but it's hardly dignified for a woman of my age.  *sigh*  Our breasts are such iconic aspects of all that is feminine.  They are the holy grail of womanliness.  We know we can use them to enhance, entice, beguile, tease and interest.  To be fair....I think I'm still okay in that department, I just don't like it when they rearrange.

I'll take the trade.  I have more energy and more desire to take care of myself.  I find myself paying more attention to the details of my person each day.  Spending more time doing all of the routine maintenance I am supposed to do.  This is a good thing because I had fallen into a pattern of self neglect.  It was a symptom of the depression I was having that I did not recognize or acknowledge.  I'm not sure if this means I am no longer depressed, I didn't know when the depression began so I don't know if I will know when it ends.  I do know that I feel lighter, on more than one level and that I am starting to care about my life again.

I wonder if Facebook made it easy for me to avoid myself?  I was so busy looking at everyone else that I stopped looking at me.  I was concerned with everyone but me.  That typical thing "nurturing" types tend to do where they focus on the needs of others instead of their own.  I never considered myself the martyr type, that position is well covered in my family.  I certainly do not want to pattern after that behavior.  No wonder I was depressed, I was becoming my mother!

(This is where I should add a polite footnote that days my mother is a lovely woman.  And she is.  However I do not believe she has had a moment of genuine happiness that is all her own in my lifetime.  I asked her once if she had ever fallen in love with one of her children, like I have my daughter.  She replied that she was always too broke and never had the time.  It was tragic to hear.  She never has enough, even as she indulges herself with too much of the things that are most unhealthy for her.  I love her, I just wish she would love herself.)

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