Friday, April 27, 2012

Day 58: Who Matters?

There was a moment tonight after the end of a 17 hour day and several hours of doing it again and again and again to get it right....when the director told me what a great job I was doing.....and said she wished you could see me in this play.  I was doing so good until that moment and then I broke down.  My heart fell out of my eyes and bounced on the floor beating "miss you...."miss you"...."miss you."  I wish you could see me too, I'm really proud of this.  I want to share my important moments with the people who mean the most to me.  I want you here for all of the best parts of life and not just as the person I call when things get scary and I need to hear that somebody believes in me when I don't.

We are all so close, just a phone call, Skype, Text Message or email away.  And it's not close enough.  The virtual world we share isn't enough to share.  I need flesh.  I need to be able to see your eyes.  I need to know that when you are in pain I am right there with you.  We are scattered all over the country....(scattered like snowflakes, New York to LA) and dammit when I sang that song at my birthday party I knew I didn't just mean Christmas, I meant all of the time.  How do we make it so that we can have enough access?  How do we bring all of the parts together?  I want my heart beating in me where it belongs.

These moments....they only matter if we share them with the people who matter.  Giving the best parts of ourselves to people whose only capacity is the shallow end of the pool is a waste.  I want to share myself with people who matter.  I'm diving into the deep end, without a snorkel or water wings.  I'm not gonna crawl, I'm gonna butterfly.  Who's ready to float?

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