Sunday, March 25, 2012

Day 25: Joy!

18 pounds lighter and about to be even lighter still as I embark on a lovely little spring jaunt across the country to spend time in The City The Care Forgot, as she has been known since 1938 for her laissez faire culture.  You may also have heard of her called The Crescent City and The Big Easy.  The Big Easy was coined by musicians traveling to the city and finding it easy to get work making music and merry.

I am looking forward to sinking into a little sweet spot of love and relaxing for 6 days.  I'll learn my lines.  I'll go for long walks sightseeing.  I'll laugh too much.  I'll be delighted to see old and new friends.I won't be taking a computer.  Just me, my script and a suitcase.  Talk about a disconnect!  This will be the first vacation I will be taking that I don't Facebook immediately.  It's going to be odd not to take a million pictures and upload them so people can follow along as I travel. I'm so glad I have phone numbers for the people I want to see while I'm in the city.

This is going to be a delightful disconnect.  No work.  I am woman, not mommy.  I can do nothing or everything for those 6 days and either way is okay.  Bliss.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Day 23: Ruff!

I have to keep reminding myself that discipline is a deliberate action.  It requires dedication and belief in something in order to motivate you to participate in the sacrifices you make to be disciplined.

So, here I am.  I don't feel that I have much to say.  My days are less full of silly things I've found on the internet.  There is less time spent in front of the computer and I'm definitely more productive overall.

Today I had to go for a colonoscopy.  Eventually, everyone should have one, typically at age 50.  I'm early because I had some medical issues and come from a family history of colon cancer so the doc thought we may as well knock this one out now.  As far as invasive procedures go, this was awesome.  They knock you out for it so one minute you're joking around with the doctor and the next thing you know they are waking you up and handing you some cranberry juice and beautiful color photos of your insides.  For me, all was well and they don't ant to see me again for another 10 years.  Whew.

My daughter asked if she will ever get cancer.  I told her I hope not and that I am trying to teach her how to be very good to her body so that we can reduce the risk of her getting cancer, heart disease, diabetes and a slew of other things that can stop a person in their tracks in life.  I wish I had grown up knowing what I now know about food.  It is so vitally important to have the right things going into your body in the right amounts.

I head to New Orleans in a few of days and plan to continue to juice while there but to allow myself a couple of nice dinners out with friends.  There is a Whole Foods there so I will be able to buy the Green Machine or Superfood drinks and not have to worry about not being able to juice my own veggies.  I feel like it will be a relatively easy process.  I won't be taking the computer with me, so likely I won't be blogging because you can't get the keyboard to pull up on my phone or the Kindle when trying to blog into this program.  

I will take lots of pictures.  I have a handful of friends who live there and I am delighted to be seeing them.  There is deep, soulful, beautifully rich love waiting to hold me close there and I look forward to sinking into every moment of it.  I had another friend who was supposed to come to town with a day or two of overlap but his trip was cancelled.  

I'm officially down 17 pounds as of today.  Obviously the water weight is off and the real pounds are coming off a little slower but I know that everything I'm putting into myself is healthy, organic food and that feels really good to me.

I may blog less, the simple act of living well doesn't always leave much time for sharing.  I'll try to leave a little space at the end of my days to share as much as I can.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Day 21: Weeks and Weaks

Three weeks in and I'm still going.  Today was another temptation day.  I had to help a co-worker with the task of converting their personal Facebook page to a fan page and we had to log in to facilitate the change.  I didn't browse, I didn't interact, I just did the work of it and got the heck out of there.  I felt guilty just being on!  

Tomorrow I have to start a clear liquid 24 hour fast in preparation for my colonoscopy Friday morning.  The doctor's instructions don't really jive with my juice fast, as I am supposed to have clear juices with no pulp, jello, Gatorade and ginger ale or any CocaCola/Pepsi product.  I settled on Gatorade and Sprite and I'll have the not so pleasurable task of mixing in Mira-lax to every drink, so no chance I actually get any enjoyment out of the experience!

The things we do to correct the things we've done.

It's not fun to think about cancer risks but pay attention because according to

Excluding skin cancers, colorectal cancer is the third most common cancer diagnosed in both men and women in the United States. The American Cancer Society's most recent estimates for the number of colorectal cancer cases in the United States are for 2012:

·       103,170 new cases of colon cancer
·       40,290 new cases of rectal cancer 

Overall, the lifetime risk of developing colorectal cancer is about 1 in 20 (5.1%).  Colorectal cancer is the third leading cause of cancer-related deaths in the United States when men and women are considered separately, and the second leading cause when both sexes are combined. It is expected to cause about 51,690 deaths during 2012. 

If you have a family history of colon cancer, like I do be sure to ask your doctor about screening as early as age 40 or anytime you show signs of blood in your stool.  

I got a phone call today from a friend who is also doing the juice fast.  He is having a hard time not "sneaking" nibbles of other food.  He is very challenged by the juice, veggie combo with no days off or *treat* meals.  I told him that I don't think the juice fast is that rigid a format.  It's got to be something you can do realistically and I think it's not going to be damaging to have a piece of lean meat a couple of times a week or to have a nibble of something you're craving a few times a week.  As long as you stick to it as your main course of action it's probably okay to deviate when you need to so that you don't stop completely.

Life is really about these moments of weakness.  They are our humanity.  We do not exist in perfection.  We are not made of stone, expertly crafted in the images of gods.  We are flesh and as flesh we are weak.  Our culture with it's myriad of mental distractions that take us out of our natural state of movement and physical work is slowly imprisoning us in this flesh, and an overabundance of it.

It's been weeks and weaks and still I am here, steady on my course.  Little baby steps to my goals.  In 5 days I leave for New Orleans for a restful, relaxing vacation with my dear loves and friends.  I can spend my days in warmth (physically and emotionally) there strolling the streets, seeing the sites and as time permits, learning my lines for the play.  Our read through is this weekend and we are 5 weeks from opening night!  


Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Day 20: Spring Two Lips

First Day of Spring.  Equinox.  The promise through budding trees and tall crocus plants and tulips filling a planter in my yard as if ordered there by the queen of the fairies.  Of course she is managing my yard, why wouldn't she be?

I love spring.  I love the feeling of emerging from winter.  It seems more symbolic this year than I remember it being in years past.  Getting our from under my season of sadness, my winter hibernation and the feeling of bare limbs blown by a too cold wind.

I've lost loves and had a 20+ year friend die from cancer.  I've had a best friend move away just when we had found music to make together.  I've experienced disappointment in one of my housemates who always seems to be the victim of her own bad choices but never accountable for making the choices in the first place.  I am ready for the bitter fruits of winter to fall from the trees and make room for the sweet blooms of spring.

I want roses and lavender and lilacs and tulips and plum, pear and apple blossoms.  I want us to actually do the garden this year and build a dog run in the yard so the dogs can run free back.  I want to peel off the layers of clothes keeping me warm and the layers of sadness in the form of excess body fat clinging to my bones as if my survival depends upon them.  I want to find myself buried deep within myself, the fertile earth of me bringing forth beauty, nourishment, flavor and life.  I want to bask in sunshine and bathe in rain.

I am ready for spring, with two lips and sweet things to say.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Day 19: Ebb and flow

I stayed off the internet for 3 days!  That was awesome.  No need to open a laptop, check emails, look at any websites.  Complete internet isolation.  I spent the time with people I love and it was refreshing not to look at my phone while we spent time together.

One of my best friends built a swing in the living room of his loft so my daughter could have a playground on a rainy day.  She determined it was a *thinking swing* and by sitting in it you get good ideas.  We all took a turn.  It was a time of belly laughs and silly giggles.

I watched my daughter and her little brother zoooooooom across the house playing chase, him naked, her running to avoid getting peed on.  You know, the good stuff.  It was fantastic to see the two of them having so much fun together.  

I had time with my loves and reconnected, reinforced and renewed our mutual spirits.  It was purposeful and deliberate.  It was thoughtful, inspiring and reinforced so many paradigms in my life.  It was needed.

When was the last time you disconnected so that you could deliberately connect to the people you love?  Can you think of the last time you took a day off of a computer?  Why?  What is so important here?  We used to wait days, weeks even, for mail to arrive from people we loved.  We cherished those envelopes, knowing that within were stories, secrets and sorrow.  Important details of life, written very deliberately with great care and effort.  Now we can send a letter in an instant and in some cases we completely ignore communicating with those who require more effort.

It's okay to ebb and flow.  Find a way to come to an internet high tide an then retreat into a sea of electronic solitude.  Find a purposeful, thoughtful way to reconnect with the people who matter to you.  Find out if you can disconnect.  

Next weekend, maybe I'll give up the cell phone too!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Day 15: Bye Girls!

14 pounds in 15 days.  Crazy and obviously a lot of fluid, but still delightful to jump on the scale 2 days since I last weighed and be 3 pounds lighter.  Kind of astonishing really.  I don't particularly miss anything but it is difficult to hear people talking about great food, I do tend to be a major foodie and miss blending flavors.

One side the tragic loss of my old friends.  Yes, the girls are shrinking.  Dammit!  I liked them like they were.  I'd stomp my foot and pout but it's hardly dignified for a woman of my age.  *sigh*  Our breasts are such iconic aspects of all that is feminine.  They are the holy grail of womanliness.  We know we can use them to enhance, entice, beguile, tease and interest.  To be fair....I think I'm still okay in that department, I just don't like it when they rearrange.

I'll take the trade.  I have more energy and more desire to take care of myself.  I find myself paying more attention to the details of my person each day.  Spending more time doing all of the routine maintenance I am supposed to do.  This is a good thing because I had fallen into a pattern of self neglect.  It was a symptom of the depression I was having that I did not recognize or acknowledge.  I'm not sure if this means I am no longer depressed, I didn't know when the depression began so I don't know if I will know when it ends.  I do know that I feel lighter, on more than one level and that I am starting to care about my life again.

I wonder if Facebook made it easy for me to avoid myself?  I was so busy looking at everyone else that I stopped looking at me.  I was concerned with everyone but me.  That typical thing "nurturing" types tend to do where they focus on the needs of others instead of their own.  I never considered myself the martyr type, that position is well covered in my family.  I certainly do not want to pattern after that behavior.  No wonder I was depressed, I was becoming my mother!

(This is where I should add a polite footnote that days my mother is a lovely woman.  And she is.  However I do not believe she has had a moment of genuine happiness that is all her own in my lifetime.  I asked her once if she had ever fallen in love with one of her children, like I have my daughter.  She replied that she was always too broke and never had the time.  It was tragic to hear.  She never has enough, even as she indulges herself with too much of the things that are most unhealthy for her.  I love her, I just wish she would love herself.)

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Day 14: Winning!

I feel good.  Like a James Brown song kind of hum inside of me.  I've got a ton of energy and I'm getting important things done.  I'm coming back to my center and focusing on important things.  Can I keep it up?  Today I was wondering about that.  Gatherings with friends, Laurel's Birthday, Spring Equinox....all such tempting occasions.  And chocolate calls to me at times.  Thank goodness for the salads and soup, when I can make some.  You know you CANNOT find soup that has a decent level of sodium in a can.  Even the "low sodium" soups have over 500mg per serving.  Ridiculous.  One can is half of what you should have in a day!  I did find some soup mixes that you make at home that had 10mg per serving, impressive.  Organic and spendy, of course, but obviously I can't put a price tag on the health of my heart.  

I'm gearing up for good things to come.  I had some financial goals to meet that are 3/4 of the way met, which is a huge relief.  I'm about half way into my promo packet.  I've done most of the doctor appointments I needed to handle...the routine maintenance of being a human being at the halfway point of life.  One more tomorrow and then the grown up rite of passage in our family next week:  a colonoscopy.  My Aunt Kathy died from colon cancer, so the health of my colon is vitally important and as much as I am dreading this procedure, I know it's important to face and deal with.

What have you been putting off?  Why?  Are you sucked into a box of lights?  Imagine what's happening to human beings, we get sucked into boxes of moving words and pictures and become sedentary.  We get lost and forget to move.  It is unnatural.  We are meant to move.  We have the capacity for locomotion for a purpose.  We are supposed to be upright, striding forward, erect with head high and eyes looking at the horizon for our next adventure.  We aren't meant to be sitting slouched, slumped, slovenly spreading sideways scanning sentiments spellbound.  Life is action.  Develop or decay.  You must move or you will rot away.

Decay is for the dead.  I've got a few more miles to go before I'm ready to rot away.  And those who don't take the time for development are just zombies, walking through life with fetid flesh and minds anesthetized by all of these digital distractions the corporations design so the mentally lazy won't take a look around at the world and see how messed up we have allowed it to become.

Stay busy doing nothing.  Stay plugged in.  Stay distracted by "entertainment" that panders to the lowest common denominator which gets lower progressively.  The corporations don't want you to know they have BOUGHT your government and are making policy changes that benefit them and bankrupt our country.  Don't look at the man behind the curtain.

And while you're doing that I'll be paying attention and moving forward and sounding the alarm when I can.  Hopefully when I do you'll remember how to get out of the chair and find the door.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Day 13: It's Everywhere!

No matter how I try to avoid it, it's inescapable.  This morning at the end of the show my morning partner/boss spent about 10 minutes trying to get an app we talked about on air to work on his Facebook page.  The app didn't function properly and he kept trying over and over, past the point of potential success.

Later in a meeting the guy next to me leaned over with his phone to show me something funny and ironic that was happening on his Facebook wall where one woman posted a slip and fall type of icon meme and another woman, who didn't even know the first wrote, "I've fallen and I can't get up!"  Ironic, silly and a fun little bit of synchronicity but a complete waste of time.

And that pretty much sums up a lot of what I use Facebook for.  The inside jokes of life play out on the Facebook wall in a never ending stream of giggles.  Facebook is the stand up comedy of inside jokes.  How would Shakespeare have broken this digital wall?  Will it unite in the same way Berlin's wall divided?  This wall tells news of love, frustration, loss, hopelessness and every minutia of life in a constant scroll.  Another reminder that life and death are playing out all around us.

If my fascination with people, especially those who are my friends, wasn't so keen this wall would not be such a gathering place for me.  I would not sit and read the news written on it, sharing the births and deaths, the successes and failures and even sometimes the stupidity of those for whom I care.  This wall would hold no power if I didn't care.

So, I stay separated from everyone from now, but those who know me best chime in via phone or show up in person and that works fine for me.  I'm setting better boundaries for myself.  And, all this focus is yielding results,  I've lost 11 pounds!

Monday, March 12, 2012

Day 12: Disconnect

Today I needed information on WHERE tickets for an upcoming concert are on sale and the only place in the universe the band seems to have it posted is on their stupid Facebook page.  How lame is that?  It's not even on their Reverb page.  Frustrating to say the lease, since I can't get on Facebook and the show is THIS weekend.

*deep breaths*

Some of my friends haven't picked up on the face that I'm not on Facebook and are shocked when I am clueless about their lives today.  I can see why Facebook really annoys people who aren't on Facebook.  There is this vacuum that Facebook users allow their lives to fall into where they don't share information about their lives with non-Facebooking friends because they've already shared it ALL on their wall and don't feel like repeating themselves.  

When people are important to you, you make sure to share your life with them.  Not because it's convenient, but because they are important.  I wonder how guilty I am of doing this to others in my life?   Have I been excluding people because it's inconvenient to repeat myself?  Have I alienated my less tech savvy friends and family?  Definitely something to consider as I move forward once this exercise is over.  I don't want my important people overlooked when I have something to share.

We had friend over for dinner tonight, they brought their own pizza and I was not tempted at all.  I am not absolutely confident that I can do the full sixty days.  I may even incorporate the juice plan into my lifestyle after I am done with this sixty days.  Juice during the week, allow myself to have reasonable meals on the weekend.  I sometimes wonder what my first post juice meal will be.  

It's a very busy week.  Work and appointments/meetings every day this week.  The good news is I have plenty of energy to do it all.  And I've already learned one scene of the play!  This disconnect is really a reconnection to myself.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Day 11: Rollin with my homies sippin' organic juice

We are overflowing with creative juices at our house right now.  One roommate uncapped a jar of his grandmother's sweet grape juice.  I made a beet, orange, grapefruit, carrot lemon juice.  Another roommate made carrot, cucumber, lemon, grapefruit apple juice.  We have a bunch of juice right now and it's so fun to drink a bit of each.  It saddens me to think that there are people who have never known the joy of fresh juices.  A majority of people have only experienced the pasteurized, homogenized concentrated sugar loaded juices available in restaurants and the grocery store.  So now I'm on a mission for everyone to experience good, fresh juice.  Some people fear it, especially the ones with beets and carrots.  Can't tell them about the spinach or kale!   

The weekend has been relaxing and I've gotten a lot accomplished.  I would say I've accomplished more this weekend than I have on weekends where I have access to Facebook.  And I am reminded, again, that the best connections are the ones that happen eye-to-eye.  I know today though I was braver in an email and a text conversation with someone than I would have been able to be in person with them.  Perhaps eventually I would have been this brave, but I'm not sure.  And now seems to be good timing for it.

So this week will be busy.  Work, 2 doctors appointments and working ahead so I can leave at a decent time on Friday and not go back over the weekend to do more work.    I'm going to start carrying my script around and spend spare time working on lines instead of checking my phone.  I've written one page of my promo package and gotten three client testimonials for another page.  Things I wanted to accomplish are coming together and I feel good about that.

Next week....I'm buying a scale for the house.  Now that's risk taking!

I have to say, I'm getting a lot done.  And I'm spending a lot more time having more meaningful interactions with the people I care about.  Today I was able to reorganize the bookshelves and buffet, clean the kitchen and do some laundry.  I also hole punched my script and put it in a binder and added separators for the scenes and tabs for my scenes.  I even spent time going over lines, made some great juice, cooked dinner for my little one and took her to a movie.  Oh yes, and interviewed another perspective roommate.  

The perspective roommate DOESN'T have a Facebook.  It seems shocking when there are 400 million people on the planet that do and she's of the age of people who typically do.  I liked that about her.  She seems down to earth and authentic.  We'll see.  

So.....real life.....a life where you get up and do every day instead of get up and sit on a computer.  A life where you don't let your environment become cluttered, messy or toxic.   It is important to take a step back and look around and see where you have let your life get away from you and reign it in.  This, so far, has been a great opportunity for that for me.  I feel like I'm getting better control of my personal environment and it's good.

Still life?  The kind where you're sedentary sitting in front of a computer?  It kills people.  LIFE is an ACTION word.  We are meant to move.  We are meant to be active beings and this computer just gives us one more distraction from our natural state of living in harmony with our natural being.  

I want more than still life.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Day 9: Cool As A...

Cucumber.  I's my new best friend.  With a stalk of celery and a lemon and some mint.  Juice it and throw it over ice and you've got a swig of happy.  I was at work this afternoon and it was "beer-thirty" as is traditional at quitting time on Fridays and everyone was enjoy a cool beverage and I poured myself a glass of green drink and toasted right along.  No.  I don't feel bad.  No I don't miss being able to have alcohol.  No, I don't even miss anything that much.  I know at the end of this I will have better life habits and it is imperative that at some point in my life I take this step to wrestle the reigns from myself (the creative one) and give them to myself (the detail oriented completion junkie one) and live this life like I'm on fire screaming through the sky punching holes in the atmosphere and leaving a trail of stardust.

I've got things to do and I've been getting in my way.  I'm got places to go and people to piss off.  I've got ideas to make realities and realities to improve.  I've got nothing but time and I have no idea how much of that any of us has, so I'd better use it being good to myself.  Being good doesn't mean disappearing myself in distractions.  Being good doesn't mean insulating myself in unused energy.

So, I'm cool.  Even the Facebook thing is starting to be no big deal. There are a few people I miss.  But honestly, they haven't taken the time to contact me so in a month if I still haven't heard from them, it's time to reassess the value of the relationship.  I'm curious as to who reads this.  I know a few people who do but there are a lot more page views than those few.  I know there are some people who read this who don't think I'll make the whole 60 days.  That's ok.   I have committed to a course of action, I'm all in.  51 days to go.  Child's play really.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Day 8: Slippery Slope

Ironically, it's when I am on a Facebook hiatus that I have to go visit one of our clients and do a presentation for a conference room full of people on how to best use Facebook to socially market your business or service.

How about them apples?  I'm trying to be good and stay completely away from the site and they bring in the laptop connected to the projector thing and log in to one of their Facebook pages and put it on the wallI'm sitting there like an alcoholic at a kegger fighting the urge to indulge.

I had to come clean and explain to them that I'm on a break.  So they start asking me how to do all of these things to and with their personal pages and it started slipping down the slope from a social media marketing lesson to a how do I personally use Facebook lesson and I had to redirect and call it a day.  Whew.  I survived.  I mean, she didn't even have timeline configured.  I couldn't enjoy looking at other pages if I wanted to!

*heavy breathing*


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Day 7: h2 ohhhhh!

I feel waterlogged!  On many levels.  I miss a few people that I enjoyed watching from afar on Facebook.  I have absolutely NO way to get on the site and it's a bit maddening.  We are interviewing potential roommates and I can't just go do a Facebook check to see how they live.  I have to ask questions, do screening and let my instincts go to work.  Its a good exercise.  It made me mindful of the kind of information that exists in the digital world about any of us and how accessible it is.  I really should have gone into business with my father, I am a good investigator.

I remember being a teenager and my cousins always doing a drive by on their exboyfriends' houses whenever they were in the neighborhood. At the time I never knew what they were looking for in those trips.  Having to research a potential roommate is kind of like that old school crazy girl stalking my cousins used to do.  

Today I have officially been juicing for one week.  Almost as if to celebrate, a flurry of emails came my way and a phone call from my cousin, whom I miss and adore.  I got some good news, that I will be going to the Childrens Miracle Network Celebration this fall just before our annual Radiothon.  I wanted to Facebook about it and had a frustrating little moment when I couldn't.  I wrote this morning and wanted to Facebook the post on my poetry blog so friends could read the new piece and I could not do that either.  

I am delighted that two of my favorite women have decided to make changes to how they eat after seeing me commit to something like a 60 day fast.  Today was the first day in a long time I felt like myself.  Hopeful energy coursed through me and I got a lot accomplished during the day.  I know my body is moving more and easier and it feels good.  I feel my sadness sloughing off each day.  Having more time to myself and to my responsibilities and goals has allowed me to reconnect to the power that fuels me.  I felt like I really got some good things done.  I have more time and I have less grief.  I still find myself getting a little lost in ideas but I am anchoring in familiar places with people who know how to ground me and focus my lasers.  I exhaled.

I have consumed so much water today I think I'll be swimming in dreams tonight.  And I made the most delicious soup and juice today.  The soup is a spicy cajun veggie and was so tasty and filling.  The juice was made from beets, grapefruit, lemon, ginger, oranges and green apples.  It was like a glass of dessert.  And the sun was shining!  Blue skies and no clouds at all.  It feels like it's been so long since I've seen sunlight.  Growing up a sunny California kid spoiled me into thinking it's summer all year long.

Today I feel good.  And I was good to myself.  I hope you were too.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Day 6: Lightning Processing

Oh yeah, THIS is what thinking for yourself feels like.  Remember?  Back when you could do math in your head?  When you had the phone number of every person that mattered committed to memory?  The brain is a powerful processor, it transmits data incredibly fast.  Every moment we are receiving input from the world around us the brain is a work processing the information.  A mathematics theory professor in college told me that the mind likes pictures, puzzles and patterns and is always seeking to take information in and process it, comparing it with known patterns.  

 So let's take that concept and relate it to yesterday's information.  In a hyperreal context, our minds are taking in information that may not be based in reality and creating a context to allow it to be real in our imaginations.  Pair that with the mind also seeking to compare information to known patterns and we've got very busy brains taking hyperreal data and comparing to real data.  

See any possibility for reality to become skewed?  I think gamers are a perfect example of this.  And so are people in online communities.  I am not a gamer, but I've known plenty of otherwise datable men who are.  Their minds are hooked on the hyperreal world.  The stimuli in the game causes a rush of endorphins, creates invisible friendships with other gamers along the way and provides a social outlet  Sometimes this can cause gamers to unplug from reality and plug in to the game world.  I think in some ways I have done something very similar for myself with Facebook.

I want my brain to create authentic associations.  This means real connections with others.  More letters, fewer text messages.  Using the telephone to have an actual conversation where tone and nuance are more easily deciphered instead of using text messages and emails which can seem less personal and leave discerning intent to the imagination with less available information.  Also, people are often much braver on a computer than they will be face to face.  This can be good and bad.  Braver can mean they can say important things that they otherwise may be too shy to convey.  it can also mean they may say things that are much more cruel than they would have the courage to say to another person when they have to look them in the eye.  This computer between us can serve to make me less accountable for how these words impact you.  

It is impersonal.  I want personal.  Intimate.  Close.  I want contact.  Confidentiality.  I want a deeper level of sharing.  Is it possible to be intimate in sharing with over 600 people at a time?  Can I actually convey my thoughts in a way where all of those people can absorb what I am saying?  Who the hell am I to think that what I have to say is important to anyone beyond myself?  Is something still intimate if it is shared?  Is sharing intimacies a type of art or are we all just narcissists sitting side by side talking to one another in the mirror in between longing gazes at our own reflections?  Does the mirror image become the more real version of either of us?

I have no answers, but I have a lot of questions.  And I have to learn the part of Muriel Grecco of the Bronx for The King of City Island and perfect my Bronx accent so I am going to leave you with the questions and let them run in the background of my mind until a later time.  Maybe my lightning processing will crack the code while I am busy doing something more tangible and meaningful.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Day 5: Your Friends Know Your Phone Number

Think about your Facebook friends.  How many of them actually know your real phone number?  I added a Google Voice number to my page that friends only can see, but my real friends know that's not my REAL phone number.  My friends have been to my house, know where my "this is what you need if I get dead" box is located in case of an emergency and have met at least one member of my family beyond Laurel.  The rest of my Facebook friends are people I know, who also know me but only the me I choose to share publicly.  Which in my case, is what I have made a career out of doing.  I share me.  And I am authentic in that sharing, in person and on Facebook.  Those Facebook friends do not have my home number, but the ones I've reconnected with from the past do.  The ones who come over on Wednesdays for potluck do.  The ones who show up when showing up needs to be done do.  Now, that doesn't mean that the others who are my friends and on my friends list do not care, it just means that our interaction so far has been (to borrow a word from my cousin) hyperreal.  Pay close attention to the definition:

"Hyperreality is used in semiotics and postmodern philosophy to describe a hypothetical inability of consciousness to distinguish reality from a simulation of reality, especially in technologically advanced post-modern societies. Hyperreality is a way of characterizing what our consciousness defines as "real" in a world where a multitude of media can radically shape and filter an original event or experience."

I read a short story in Junior High where people had evolved to the point that they only used their minds and their bodies existed for the sole purpose of providing life support for the brain and consciousness to exist.  They didn't move, they sat linked mentally to their computers and had no physical activity.  (Thinking back, how did they procreate?  Somebody was moving somewhere, just sayin').  When I read that definition of hyperrealism, especially this part of it,  Hyperreality is a way of characterizing what our consciousness defines as "real" in a world where a multitude of media can radically shape and filter an original event or experience.  It really brings home that our minds are constantly creating.  When we give our minds an idea, it runs with it, as far as it can go and throws it as high as it can get and blows it up as big as it will become.  And we do that with everything.  

Now for some people that may be a great thing.  For people who lack impulse control that can be dangerous.  Everything gets a re-creation by the brain.  Everything gets magnified, amplified and personified.  Everything becomes everything.  And everything matters.  We sit at computers and weep reading a story that accompanies a photograph only to find out three minutes later when a pragmatic friend posts a Snopes link that the whole thing was a hoax.  We weep over untruths and then feel betrayed for being gullible.  We pass on links to missing children that end up untrue.  We spread death faster than the media. How disposable are we going to make lives?  What comes next when we mock the dead openly in public forums where their friends and families can read?   Everything becomes a post.  And every post becomes irrelevant as soon as the next post flies from our fingers.

I want more meaning in my life than this.  Don't you?  If you link to this blog on Facebook I will personally come kick your butt!

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Day 4: Can't Beet Juice Vampires

I was incredibly tempted to look someone up on Facebook today.  It took incredible self control to resist.  But I did and I feel good having done so.  I'm opening the computer less.  I wonder what it would be like to only open it once a day?  I think I will get there.  However, some of the goals I seek to meet require me to use it for editing audio, etc so I may have to use it some and just not be tempted to surf the web or interact with anyone who wants to.

I'm consuming less juice.  An entire 32 oz bottle is lasting all day.  I don't feel any lack of energy and the only thing I really want is popcorn!  :)  No popcorn and no Facebook.  Pretty simple.

Today was a beautiful day.  I sat outside on the patio just enjoying the feeling of sunlight.  It was a beautiful day to be outside.  I can't wait for grower's markets to set up again and days to get warmer.  I miss the sunshine very much.  I know the lack of sun has contributed to my vitamin D deficiency, which has led to some of my recent discontent.  I am holding on to the thought of warm sun on my skin and seeing the buds on the trees coming out.  I know spring is soon and I will be patient.  

I feel like I have no idea what's going on in the world.  4 days without the pop culture of Facebook.  I have to actually go to websites to find news and information.  That makes me more mindful of sourcing stories and understanding where ideas are coming from.  I'm just gonna Fox News for me. 

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Day 3: Sherbet Juice and Texting!

Today I have been receiving lots of text messages from people.  Moving from one form of electronic communication to another.  I had a great conversation with my neighbor, who is a bagpipe player/guitar player and righteous front man for a Celtic rock band from Australia, about personally connecting with other human beings.  There is something so honest about having a conversation where we are eye to eye with another human being.  I think that is what I am craving from this experience and in order to facilitate that I may have to STOP TEXTING AND EMAILING.  For those far away, perfectly acceptable but for those right here within driving distance, no excuses.  I want face time.  Not as in the iPhone app!  In person communication, turning off all cell phones and computers and talking, laughing, interacting with each other!

I'm glad the people who have taken the time to communicate have done so.  It makes me feel less like I'm on an island.  It's interesting how much my interpersonal relationships have included food or meals.  I guess meals have been a social thing for me since I was small.  I didn't realize how much of the time I spend with other people involve food and drinks.  But it's so natural, we have to stop to eat and involving others in something that nourishes and delights the senses just adds another dimension of goodness to a great meal.  

I guess the disconnect is that once upon a time people actually had to do physical labor for food so celebrations incorporated a feast.  Now we don't have to actually grow and tend our food and we think every day is a celebration.  We feast at every meal because it is so simple to be so indulgent as a culture.  And look at the result in our culture.  We are all programmed for instant gratification.  Everything is available NOW so we must have it NOW and we will go into massive debt to have it.  This thing where we want instant access to each other in that same way is a symptom of a much bigger problem in our society.

I made the best juice this evening.  It tasted like melted sherbet and was all frothy and thick.  It was pineapple, mango, pear, ginger and beet and I made enough to have it for breakfast tomorrow.  I think it's my new favorite.  I went to the Relay for Life kickoff event today and they ordered pizza.  Pizza is a weakness of mine but honestly as I looked at it all I could see was grease, fat, bread and processed meat.  It was easy to be okay not eating it.  I had juice and salad and some steamed swiss chard with cracked pepper today.  I also had yesterday's leftover soup with fresh avocado chunks in it.  YUM!

Friday, March 2, 2012

Day 2: Wait, Soup and Salad on a Juice Fast?

Yes.  Soup and salad.  But raw salad, raw ingredients, no salad dressing or cheese or processed chunks of ham that people throw on salads and fool themselves into thinking they are doing something healthy.  I had a salad at lunch with lemon and cracked pepper.  It was so good.  This is how I know I'm really hungry.  

Tonight I thought I'd get clever and make a V-8 style drink for dinner.  Unfortunately I added 2 Serrano   peppers and it was a bit of a fail.  Too spicy!  I remembered that I could have soup and into a pot the juice and the slush that's created in the dump end of the juicer went along with the juice of one lime.  Cooked down a bit and warm it feels so incredibly hardy in my belly.  I told my cousin recently that I need to learn to enjoy the feeling of empty as much as I enjoy the feeling of full, but this is a good full.

So today I went back to the doctor to get lab results from when I was in two weeks ago.  After that visit I started stepping down on calories and incorporating juice as one meal a day and then two.  Apparently this approach paid off because I am 5 pounds lighter than I was that day.  I get that a lot of this is water weight.  It's okay, eventually it will be other weight as well.  I have great patience when the reward is worth the wait and this healthier life for me is definitely worth it.  The doctor, by the way, is fully on board with the juice fast and championing me to make these kinds of changes willingly before I am forced to make them.

On paper, I am always really healthy.  I think some people see my size and can't believe I eat good foods.  I do, I just have some medical conditions that work against me that I'd rather not make part of this discussion.  Just remember, not every overweight person you see is a lazy fast food junkie.    My cholesterol was under 150 with my triglycerides slightly elevated, my LDL's under 75 (that's the bad stuff and that's very good) and my HDH level (good cholesterol) a little on the low side.  This fast and getting back outside when it warms up will definitely change the triglycerides and I'm hoping to incorporate more of the good stuff too.  All of my other labs were great.  Thyroid is fine, insulin fine, hormone linked to congestive heart failure (a family thing) is fine.  All of this made me happy.

So today had a maddening moment when we went to the movies to see the Lorax and I wanted soooooo badly to Facebook about it to the Mankind vs. Monsanto group I belong to on Facebook.  The smell of popcorn was a bit maddening as well.  it is a sweet movie and the lesson, in the way of Dr. Seuss, was a great one.  Today is the anniversary of his birth, it is fitting that we saw the movie today.

I do still find myself checking my phone.  I have a bit of a phone habit.  Now that I can't get Facebook on it I am checking news sites.  I'm working on setting it down more.  When we went to the movie, I left it home completely.


Thursday, March 1, 2012

Day 1

In addition to quitting Facebook for 60 days, I am also doing a 60 day juice fast.  I saw the movie Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead and it made an impression on me, but more than that, I feel weighed down and I want more for me.  More energy, more clothing options, more open interactions with others because they aren't making a judgement about who I am based on my size and more opportunity.  

Wait.  Opportunity?  Yes.  Nobody says it, but the truth of the matter is, people who are more physically fit have more opportunity.  For activities, for love, for career advancement.  It's hard to resist someone who is charming, talented and drop dead gorgeous.  I want irresistability for myself.  I've gotten this far on eagerness and talent.  What happens when I am the TOTAL package?  What happens when I have no more excuses standing in between me and what I want out of life?  Can I let go of my excuses?  They're such old friends.

So today hasn't been too awful.  My hands are used to being busy, thumbing over keys on a keyboard or on my smart phone to string together words to share.  I find myself reaching for my phone to check for messages or to check Facebook then remembering there is nothing to check.  Last night at 8pm my cousin locked me out of my accounts and I got text messages from people asking me NOT to leave Facebook and telling me I'd be back.  Really?  Is one website so important?  I've found myself with more time today and I've filled it with things I need to get done.  I wrote a to-do list, a priority list and a goal list.  I need to pick up a little notebook like my cousin Melinda and write my things to do in it and keep it on me, making it a point to cross things off regularly.

I cooked my child dinner and managed to not sneak any bites.  :)  Interestingly, the chicken I took out is enough for 4 meals for her when properly portioned.  We got her a plate that show portion sizes so she can grow up understanding that food is fuel and knowing just how much she really needs.  She had a half a plate of raw veggies and an orange and a nice piece of skinless broiled chicken breast and happily ate it all.  

So, day 1 wasn't so bad.  I just talked to my friend Chris and he is officially starting juicing today too, he is also on the 60 day reboot.  My friend Sandy is going to do it as well.  It is a good thing, I think.  I see the doctor in the morning to get my test results from the lab work I had done two weeks ago and I will also be scheduling regular visits so that she can monitor me on this fast and make sure I'm getting what I need.  I'll be taking vitamins and making sure I get lots of dark green leafy veggie juice so I get enough iron.  Right now, this is a good thing and today was not too hard.